Reasons

Life is a continuous quest. We quest for dreams. We quest for the meaning of life. We quest for the future. Self-fulfilment. Everything. Some people try very hard; strive for their dreams event though the dream might only last for one moment. Unfortunately, people often forget that precious moment as the shards of their shattered dream, hardship, heartbreak and dreadful past sweep into their memories, crushing the precious memory of their sweetest moments. I want to tell you: treasure the moment. Your sweetest moment. Dig all the rubbles of your past away from your memory. Pick up the precious moment, keep it and let it shine in your heart.

Those words in the letter had been bothering me for the past two days. It was not a usual letter one would expect to be sent from a war zone in Afghanistan. Well, he did not normally send letters. He had been sending emails about how he wanted the war to end soon and how he would not want to go had he been given the choice. Of course, who would?

“You know, the position of paramedics is often more precarious than the soldiers themselves. As much as I want to save lives, I can feel my soul taken away bit by bit,” Arthur said in one of his mails.

I clicked to the next mail.

“I am still safe here but one never knows about tomorrow. Not even the next minute, if a shell decides to land on this camp right after I click the ‘send’ button. I will not worry about tomorrow, or rather, I must not. From this war, I have learnt to live in the present”

I wonder whether war really takes away one’s soul. I wonder what he was thinking about and what has brought him to write such a letter. The doorbell rang. It was the newspaper guy. I made myself a cup of cappuccino and flipped through the newspaper. A huge “WELCOME BACK” headline.

“Oh, dear! How can I forget this? He is coming back… today!” I exclaimed.

I jumped from my seat, dashing towards the corner of my room. Near the door, there was a hanging pocket where I always kept my letters. I was searching the pocket anxiously. A piece of paper, scrawled over with notes and figures, dropped onto the floor, followed by a pale green envelope.

I opened the envelope. The letter inside was not as smooth as it had been when I first received it. A few crumples here and there indicated that this letter had been read hundreds of times. Yet, I had not touched it for more than eight months. I reread the letter dated one year ago. Three hundred and sixty four days, to be exact. Arthur gave it to me just before he left for Afghanistan.

“You know that I can’t guarantee that I will be back and I don’t want you to be tied by such an empty promise. However, I want you to know that if I am able to return, I will be waiting for you somewhere. It is the place where you will remember your sweetest moment. Don’t worry about me. I just want to make sure that I will not be meeting someone I don’t know. I will tell you when, but not where.”

It was his style. He loved to make people confused. He likes putting thousands of questions in one’s head. Especially mine.

I looked out of the window. The bustle of the city had started. I was too tempted to rush to the airport, but I should know him better. I could not remember what he meant by my sweetest moment. I did not seem to remember anything especially sweet. A lot of things had happened. Some of them are sweet memories and many of them painful ones. What he said was right. My painful memories have crushed and hidden my precious sweetest moment and now I could not find it anywhere.

I could have asked him where it is. However, it hurts to realize that my sweetest memory was gone. Moreover, it would only hurt Arthur even more. He hated empty words.

I started to recall places where we had been together. Too many. Impossible. I sighed, “I can’t remember anything!” Beads of tears rolled down my cheeks. Will he be really hurt? More than I am?

“Am I stupid? Is it my own fault…falling for someone like him? How on earth could I love him? He always gives me a lot of headaches…and now…” I started to question myself.

Suddenly, I found those questions familiar. Was is just an odd sense of déjà vu? Or had it really happened? I was quite sure that I had heard of it before, even though it seemed so long ago…

***

“Hey…He’s a strange guy.”
“Who?”
“Your boyfriend.”
“What?Why?”
“How can you fall in love with such a weirdo? I mean… it wasn’t as if no one likes you…” I faintly heard a voice asking a similar question. It was my friend, Gladys. Eventually, a clear picture of what happened three years ago was formed in my memory, like a jigsaw puzzle. I remembered Gladys sprung from the sofa in my living room with an expression of disbelieve.

“Well, love does not need a reason,” I replied.

Then, more pictures appeared. After Gladys went home, I waited for Arthur to fetch me. I told him about my conversation with Gladys. I told him that love does not need a reason. Suddenly, the unforgettable vivid facial expression came across. The big frown in his forehead. He slapped me. I was bewildered and speechless then. I did not even dare to ask why. His eyes were gleaming with anger and some sort of dissatisfaction.
“Who are you to say that love needs no reason! Such people united in the name of love and separated because there was no more love for no reason…leaving behind a poor, confused and hopeless child like me! How can love – something that I treasure most in my life - be reduced to such an unreasonable and irresponsible thing! First, my parents, and now, you, are about to drag me into that dark pitfall of blind love!”

I was overwhelmed with shock.

“But, reasons…” I barely finished my sentence when Arthur hugged me. He said sorry and I was finally able to look into his deep, gentle eyes. I understood what he meant. Reasons for love – they are not logical, but there are reasons. The reason why we can’t point out the reason why we love is because those reasons are different, and there are just to many. So many that even if the person we love changes, we can still love because of those reasons.

“It is like building a house. If the house is a family, love is the walls and pillars supporting the house, and the reasons for love will be the firm foundation upon which those pillars stand. When the foundation is a hollow, the house, the family, will collapse easily,” Arthur spoke to me with the firmest but gentlest tone I’ve ever heard.
***

Then, I found the reasons why I loved him. When he slapped me, I found the very reason why I was able to love him. That was the sweetest moment in my life. I glanced at the letter again. I knew that even though he said that he didn’t want to meet someone he didn’t know, he actually intended to help me to rediscover the reasons I love him.

“The…the place!” I jumped out of my chair and rushed out. If I wasn’t wrong, it should be right there…right outside my house. I grabbed the key and rushed out.

No one.

“Why?!” I was almost sure…then I remembered. Maybe, maybe he was really unable to make it back? I heard they sometimes hid the names of the people who didn’t come back, and they could just be missing forever. This thought sent a chill down my spine. I broke down and cried so hard that I could not remember anything.

The first thing I saw when I open my eyes was a tall figure, standing cross armed in front of me.

“Arthur?”
“Oh, wow, and who’s supposed to be waiting?” His typical casual, sarcastic remarks sent an electrical impulse to my half-dead brain.
“You’re back,” I had nothing else to say.
“I have all my reasons to be back,” he replied.